22 June 2011

just to be with you

Kids had been crying, the kitchen took forever to clean up and a then a trip to the store when I just wanted to sit down and rest.

And then I turned the radio on.

Third Day sang a song I used to listen to over and over and over in those days pre-kids and pre-Walter when I could close my eyes and enjoy music with the lights off.

The verses describe how Jesus did so much, more than any human lover could to love me, to be with me.  The chorus says phrases I remember in whatever order they may actually have been sung.

"Just to be with you I'd do anything...There's no price I would not pay..."

And the final verse and chorus describe how "Just to be with you, I've done everything. I gave my life away...just to be with you...Just to be with You."

That love song I needed to hear more than any sweet words even Walter could have spoken. I could almost swear there was a rainbow in the sky as I drove past Veterans Parkway.  Maybe there was or wasn't one there - either way I'm sure God put the colors there just for me. Just to remind ME that He has done everything to show love to me - to me.

I let go of deep breaths, realized that even for the few minutes of that song Asa had stopped crying and I had been wooed back to confidence that I am loved.

21 June 2011

Too late?

Am I too late for Father's Day?

I know two days have passed and the Happy Daddy's day cookies are half price at the grocery store, but I still need to talk about my husband.

He's the guy who turns the camera to take proud pictures of himself holding the babies.

Walter is the daddy who plays and plays in the water, in the mud, he just plays.
Asher will tell you Daddy plays "Hares Hare" with him, takes him camping, and makes the coolest things out of Legos.

When Walter asked me to come to his birthday "party" that turned out to be a double date nine years ago, I didn't imagine he would be my partner in raising three children. I was more interested in his sparkling blue eyes and the way he always made me laugh rather than wondering if he would play with kids while insisting I take time for myself.

There are many things that topped my list of "must haves" in a guy I'd marry and although I wanted someone who would be a good dad, that quality didn't make the top of my list. It's one of those things he couldn't possibly show me until he could show me and now he shows me every day.

I know it's a little late, but you just have to know. My kids have an incredible daddy!

14 June 2011

Indulge today!

Indulgences are much better when shared. It doesn't matter if it's an iced skim decaf caramel latte or a pacifier, we're all looking for someone to join us in celebrating life.

Here's to a day of celebrating the little things of life together!

09 June 2011

Go away!

Maybe this blog post will be the one that gets posted. Even though I'm typing with Asa on my lap and fingers that hardly remember where to find letters, I hope these words get recorded.

Do you ever have days, weeks, months, and even years when guilt is your best friend? She seems to have latched on to me recently and only lets go for brief moments when I've lost myself in idyllic places like the park on Playday.

Guilt for not holding Asa enough.
Guilt for holding him too much without paying attention to other kids.
Guilt for not blogging.
Guilt for not writing my article.
Guilt for indulging in Panera takeout for lunch.

And now guilt for laying a squirmy sweetie down for a nap so I have a few quiet minutes in the house.

I know I've written about mommy guilt before, but she's back and I need new inspiration to fight the mental battle.  She has dug roots in deep and it appears I need to examine them more closely to keep her out of my life.

These roots could be fear. I'm afraid my kids will grow up to feel neglected because I missed doing something for them.

Or maybe I worry too much about those same things I fear.

Lack of trust is always an issue

Today I wonder if this nagging voice of guilt telling me I'm doing the wrong thing at the wrong time is even more sophisticated than I thought. She seems to be working on a plot to keep me from a free mind. A mind that delights in the peace that should permeate my life right now.

Oh guilt, my unwanted friend, please leave my mind. You are an unwanted thief who steals my contentment away. There is no place for you.

Giver of all peace, please fill the empty guilt spot with perfect peaceful confidence in Your divine control.