Maybe this blog post will be the one that gets posted. Even though I'm typing with Asa on my lap and fingers that hardly remember where to find letters, I hope these words get recorded.
Do you ever have days, weeks, months, and even years when guilt is your best friend? She seems to have latched on to me recently and only lets go for brief moments when I've lost myself in idyllic places like the park on Playday.
Guilt for not holding Asa enough.
Guilt for holding him too much without paying attention to other kids.
Guilt for not blogging.
Guilt for not writing my article.
Guilt for indulging in Panera takeout for lunch.
And now guilt for laying a squirmy sweetie down for a nap so I have a few quiet minutes in the house.
I know I've written about mommy guilt before, but she's back and I need new inspiration to fight the mental battle. She has dug roots in deep and it appears I need to examine them more closely to keep her out of my life.
These roots could be fear. I'm afraid my kids will grow up to feel neglected because I missed doing something for them.
Or maybe I worry too much about those same things I fear.
Lack of trust is always an issue
Today I wonder if this nagging voice of guilt telling me I'm doing the wrong thing at the wrong time is even more sophisticated than I thought. She seems to be working on a plot to keep me from a free mind. A mind that delights in the peace that should permeate my life right now.
Oh guilt, my unwanted friend, please leave my mind. You are an unwanted thief who steals my contentment away. There is no place for you.
Giver of all peace, please fill the empty guilt spot with perfect peaceful confidence in Your divine control.
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