Kids had been crying, the kitchen took forever to clean up and a then a trip to the store when I just wanted to sit down and rest.
And then I turned the radio on.
Third Day sang a song I used to listen to over and over and over in those days pre-kids and pre-Walter when I could close my eyes and enjoy music with the lights off.
The verses describe how Jesus did so much, more than any human lover could to love me, to be with me. The chorus says phrases I remember in whatever order they may actually have been sung.
"Just to be with you I'd do anything...There's no price I would not pay..."
And the final verse and chorus describe how "Just to be with you, I've done everything. I gave my life away...just to be with you...Just to be with You."
That love song I needed to hear more than any sweet words even Walter could have spoken. I could almost swear there was a rainbow in the sky as I drove past Veterans Parkway. Maybe there was or wasn't one there - either way I'm sure God put the colors there just for me. Just to remind ME that He has done everything to show love to me - to me.
I let go of deep breaths, realized that even for the few minutes of that song Asa had stopped crying and I had been wooed back to confidence that I am loved.
22 June 2011
21 June 2011
Too late?
Am I too late for Father's Day?
I know two days have passed and the Happy Daddy's day cookies are half price at the grocery store, but I still need to talk about my husband.
He's the guy who turns the camera to take proud pictures of himself holding the babies.
Walter is the daddy who plays and plays in the water, in the mud, he just plays.
Asher will tell you Daddy plays "Hares Hare" with him, takes him camping, and makes the coolest things out of Legos.
When Walter asked me to come to his birthday "party" that turned out to be a double date nine years ago, I didn't imagine he would be my partner in raising three children. I was more interested in his sparkling blue eyes and the way he always made me laugh rather than wondering if he would play with kids while insisting I take time for myself.
There are many things that topped my list of "must haves" in a guy I'd marry and although I wanted someone who would be a good dad, that quality didn't make the top of my list. It's one of those things he couldn't possibly show me until he could show me and now he shows me every day.
I know it's a little late, but you just have to know. My kids have an incredible daddy!
I know two days have passed and the Happy Daddy's day cookies are half price at the grocery store, but I still need to talk about my husband.
He's the guy who turns the camera to take proud pictures of himself holding the babies.
Walter is the daddy who plays and plays in the water, in the mud, he just plays.
When Walter asked me to come to his birthday "party" that turned out to be a double date nine years ago, I didn't imagine he would be my partner in raising three children. I was more interested in his sparkling blue eyes and the way he always made me laugh rather than wondering if he would play with kids while insisting I take time for myself.
There are many things that topped my list of "must haves" in a guy I'd marry and although I wanted someone who would be a good dad, that quality didn't make the top of my list. It's one of those things he couldn't possibly show me until he could show me and now he shows me every day.
I know it's a little late, but you just have to know. My kids have an incredible daddy!
14 June 2011
Indulge today!
Indulgences are much better when shared. It doesn't matter if it's an iced skim decaf caramel latte or a pacifier, we're all looking for someone to join us in celebrating life.
Here's to a day of celebrating the little things of life together!
09 June 2011
Go away!
Maybe this blog post will be the one that gets posted. Even though I'm typing with Asa on my lap and fingers that hardly remember where to find letters, I hope these words get recorded.
Do you ever have days, weeks, months, and even years when guilt is your best friend? She seems to have latched on to me recently and only lets go for brief moments when I've lost myself in idyllic places like the park on Playday.
Guilt for not holding Asa enough.
Guilt for holding him too much without paying attention to other kids.
Guilt for not blogging.
Guilt for not writing my article.
Guilt for indulging in Panera takeout for lunch.
And now guilt for laying a squirmy sweetie down for a nap so I have a few quiet minutes in the house.
I know I've written about mommy guilt before, but she's back and I need new inspiration to fight the mental battle. She has dug roots in deep and it appears I need to examine them more closely to keep her out of my life.
These roots could be fear. I'm afraid my kids will grow up to feel neglected because I missed doing something for them.
Or maybe I worry too much about those same things I fear.
Lack of trust is always an issue
Today I wonder if this nagging voice of guilt telling me I'm doing the wrong thing at the wrong time is even more sophisticated than I thought. She seems to be working on a plot to keep me from a free mind. A mind that delights in the peace that should permeate my life right now.
Oh guilt, my unwanted friend, please leave my mind. You are an unwanted thief who steals my contentment away. There is no place for you.
Giver of all peace, please fill the empty guilt spot with perfect peaceful confidence in Your divine control.
Do you ever have days, weeks, months, and even years when guilt is your best friend? She seems to have latched on to me recently and only lets go for brief moments when I've lost myself in idyllic places like the park on Playday.
Guilt for not holding Asa enough.
Guilt for holding him too much without paying attention to other kids.
Guilt for not blogging.
Guilt for not writing my article.
Guilt for indulging in Panera takeout for lunch.
And now guilt for laying a squirmy sweetie down for a nap so I have a few quiet minutes in the house.
I know I've written about mommy guilt before, but she's back and I need new inspiration to fight the mental battle. She has dug roots in deep and it appears I need to examine them more closely to keep her out of my life.
These roots could be fear. I'm afraid my kids will grow up to feel neglected because I missed doing something for them.
Or maybe I worry too much about those same things I fear.
Lack of trust is always an issue
Today I wonder if this nagging voice of guilt telling me I'm doing the wrong thing at the wrong time is even more sophisticated than I thought. She seems to be working on a plot to keep me from a free mind. A mind that delights in the peace that should permeate my life right now.
Oh guilt, my unwanted friend, please leave my mind. You are an unwanted thief who steals my contentment away. There is no place for you.
Giver of all peace, please fill the empty guilt spot with perfect peaceful confidence in Your divine control.
20 May 2011
No sadness
Tomorrow marks Asa's fourth week of life in this big crazy world.
Amelie insists on trying to put her own shoes on and constantly requests mommy and daddy to leave her to do things on her own.
We watched Asher walk the steps of his first graduation, preschool though it may be.
And I don't want to be sad about any of it.
My first impulse is to lament everything we do these days because it is (most likely) the last time we will do newborn things. You know, the last time to hear a baby's first cries, the last time to announce a baby's name, the last time to dress a baby in his going home clothes, everything has a "last."
Every event, every child, every moment is a last in some ways.
But (again I thank Ann Voskamp for figuring out the words for the feelings I'm wanting to capture) I don't want to be sad about any of it. I don't want to hold on for too long to a preschooler who so belongs in kindergarten. Or to an independent girl who is getting so good at being grown-up.
The time comes to let the season pass into the next and so as Asa moves into his second month of life, I kiss the teeny tiny newborn diapers goodbye and look with eagerness to the next stage without sadness and lingering for too long.
This day, this moment, I've captured in my mental memory and won't be sad about any of it.
Amelie insists on trying to put her own shoes on and constantly requests mommy and daddy to leave her to do things on her own.
We watched Asher walk the steps of his first graduation, preschool though it may be.
And I don't want to be sad about any of it.
My first impulse is to lament everything we do these days because it is (most likely) the last time we will do newborn things. You know, the last time to hear a baby's first cries, the last time to announce a baby's name, the last time to dress a baby in his going home clothes, everything has a "last."
Every event, every child, every moment is a last in some ways.
But (again I thank Ann Voskamp for figuring out the words for the feelings I'm wanting to capture) I don't want to be sad about any of it. I don't want to hold on for too long to a preschooler who so belongs in kindergarten. Or to an independent girl who is getting so good at being grown-up.
The time comes to let the season pass into the next and so as Asa moves into his second month of life, I kiss the teeny tiny newborn diapers goodbye and look with eagerness to the next stage without sadness and lingering for too long.
This day, this moment, I've captured in my mental memory and won't be sad about any of it.
08 May 2011
If I held you more
For the past two weeks, I haven't done much of anything besides sit and hold a newborn baby. I feel guilty about the dirty floors, bedtime routines Walter has done on his own, and my general disregard for the way the rest of the world keeps ticking ahead. Each morning, I vow to stick with my to do list and find something tangible to accomplish.
But then I hold Asa for just a little longer. A little longer turns into a lot longer and a lot longer turns into an entire morning.
He has the same hypnotic eyes of each of my babies. They blink at me all blue and adorable while lulling me into a trance of not being able to look away. I want those moments of snuggling to last and last. Even then, in my exhausted trance while I hold a swaddled wrinkly body, my thoughts leap ahead to when this dependent one while drive away from home and walk down the aisle to pledge closer allegiance to someone besides daddy and me.
I know these days will not last. My moments to cuddle and hold aren't very long. Ann Voskamp's words identified my subconscious thoughts when she asked about her own maturing son, "would it have all slowed down if I held you more?"
"It all goes so fast" is the constant mantra of older mothers and I've seen it myself in a growing five year old. I beam with pride watching his success but my mind always flicks back to the precious first days when the crazy bustling world didn't matter and I simply held him.
These days with Asa, I'm sitting, dreaming, soaking in the smell of newborn skin and hoping that it will all slow down if I hold him more.
Happy Mothers Day.
I pray you too take time today to sit. hold. and slow it down.
04 May 2011
Mother duck
Oh Mother duck with your five freshly hatched ducklings, why did you want to cross the busy road to the corporate parking lot?
Were you desperate to find water for them?
Did you know they couldn't survive in the open grassy field of the hospital?
What instinct caused you to lead tiny babies into such danger?
Why is my hormonal mother's mind so reflective on a mommy duck with her ducklings?
Walter turned on the hazards and jumped out of the van to scare the brave duck back into the grass, but really how long would it be until she attempted to cross the busy street again?
These days while my activities consist of simply sitting and bonding with a fresh new baby in my arms, I can't help but think of moms who don't get to sit all day cuddling and caring for their babies. Yes, I do want to go up and down the stairs more than once a day.
Yes, I can't wait to be ok'ed to drive again.
Yes, I'm excited for the time when I can exercise this extra weight away.
But I am thankful for peace in my home.
A caretaking husband who although a bit harsh at times, forces me to fully recover.
Family who does the daily things that need to be done.
Oh mother duck, with your little babies forced to waddle to safety just hours after being born, I don't envy you. Instincts you have, but loving support you need!
Were you desperate to find water for them?
Did you know they couldn't survive in the open grassy field of the hospital?
What instinct caused you to lead tiny babies into such danger?
Why is my hormonal mother's mind so reflective on a mommy duck with her ducklings?
Walter turned on the hazards and jumped out of the van to scare the brave duck back into the grass, but really how long would it be until she attempted to cross the busy street again?
These days while my activities consist of simply sitting and bonding with a fresh new baby in my arms, I can't help but think of moms who don't get to sit all day cuddling and caring for their babies. Yes, I do want to go up and down the stairs more than once a day.
Yes, I can't wait to be ok'ed to drive again.
Yes, I'm excited for the time when I can exercise this extra weight away.
But I am thankful for peace in my home.
A caretaking husband who although a bit harsh at times, forces me to fully recover.
Family who does the daily things that need to be done.
Oh mother duck, with your little babies forced to waddle to safety just hours after being born, I don't envy you. Instincts you have, but loving support you need!
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